The Sandwiched No
Have you ever had problems saying No?
Here is a way to make it easier in any conflict situation.
Have you ever had problems saying No?
Here is a way to make it easier in any conflict situation.
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Will this work with my cat? Gets really tricky when it’s interspecies.
I am being silly …. No response required
This, in my experience, is especially helpful for caregivers to use, with the caveat that the receiver of the “sandwiched no” has the capacity and willingness to hear this and respond with respect.
Dear Carol, you are very right when you mention that a No can be disrespected. A friend asked me today how to deal with an ignored No. Do you have an advice? I mean, many of us had the painful childhood experience that our No was not respected. This can cause an absencing of the painful feelings because not feeling was better than feeling back then; this absence can contribute that our No later in life will be once again ignored because we cannot be fully present with out No as a part of us is emotionally absent. I wonder what would be a good advice?
Hi Roland – as a therapist who also once struggled to say (and hold) a No at times, I’ve found Marsha Linnehan’s workbook on DBT very useful. There’s a section on Interpersonal effectiveness where you can review a chart that helps identify how strongly to use a No and when to negotiate vs remain firm.
I find it helpful to practice with a supportive person and role play saying “No” with increasing challenge (coercion) in the role play.
I like to keep in mind with every No there is a Yes. And ask myself – to whom or what am I saying Yes? If I am placing another’s wants before my needs, then it’s my duty to say Yes to my needs and No to their wants. Though it can be done with empathy and firmness.
Great topic!
Dear Roland, For me, it’s always individualized. In some circumstances, I have simply said that I felt disrespected. I might ask if they are aware of their disrespect, and at times, carry this forward and if so, ask from where they might have learned this behaviour. At times, I have had to draw boundaries and simply accept that I have to respectfully leave the person, topic and/or the situation. Sometimes, I have had to ask someone to put themselves in my shoes and ask how that feels. In some, I have had to accept that they are incapable of understanding i.e. impaired cognition, unresolved trauma etc. manifesting in this behaviour, etc, and change topics or respectfully distance myself as appropriate/in keeping with the situation. And I could go on and on …… It’s hard to give advice when there are so many different ways that a disrespectful no to my no could present, but thx for asking. Bottom line – I’d take the necessary time to wonder which of my individual respsonses might best help the situation, and act on this. Perhaps others could share how they cope…